epic fail

I had a revelation this morning and it wasn't a pretty one. As I was getting ready for the day and thinking about what I could do with the kids to help the day go smoothly, I realized something. It seems that much more often than I would like, I still operate under the delusion that my time is my own and that I am at the center of my world. If I'm being 100% honest, I would have to say that my goal is to make my day convenient and enjoyable for me. And when that is my approach to my day, my children simply become an annoyance that gets in the way of my own convenience and enjoyment.
It is not convenient to get groceries with a four-year old who likes to jog down the aisles, asks you what everything is, and starts to whine half way through. It is not enjoyable to fold laundry at 8:30pm when you really just want to sit down and relax but if you fold it at any other time someone would be trying to dump the clothes out to hide in the basket while someone else tries to "help" fold and really just makes it all harder.
I am still clinging to this idea that I should get to do what I want with my time. That possibility started heading out the door eight years ago when I got married and once Jem came along it disappeared completely. My time isn't my own. I made a decision to fill my life with love. And more often than not, love comes with obligations. I am obligated to do life with Sam, to work out our differences, to celebrate our victories, to climb down in the trenches with him when he needs me. And I am obligated to take care of my children, to place their needs above my own. And because I love Sam and I love Jem, Truett and Caia, these obligations look more like privileges.
But sometimes, I still get stuck in "me land" and I forget that these  people are blessings in my life, not hindrances. And my revelation this morning was that I've been stuck in "me land" an awful lot lately. Trying to eke out every single second of me time that I possibly can instead of being present and being in the moment with my kids. That isn't who I want to be as a mom. I want to see my kids as adding to my day, adding to my life, not taking away from it.
It isn't easy to write this stuff; to admit that I'm so self-focused. But if I don't admit it, I can't possibly hope to change it. So here's to another failure! May it bring about good things.

photo by: Black Sheep of Omaha  http://www.flickr.com/photos/jimlambphotography/2735502982/