mutual apologies

It's no secret that Truett challenges me. He is strong-willed and defiant and curious. He goes from zero to sixty in about two seconds and he doesn't really have an in-between. I can honestly say that I never screamed at one of my children until he came along. There is just something about his behavior that amps me up. And it is completely useless for me to be amped up. His demeanor doesn't change whether I'm yelling or whispering. And obviously, I don't want to be a parent who yells. The first time I yelled at him, I walked away and burst into tears. I had to call my mom so that she could reassure me that I'm not the worst mom in existence.
I've been working on staying calm with Truett and making sure that the consequences for his behavior are immediate. It usually isn't the first act of disobedience that gets me. It's the second and the third and the fourth. It's the refusal to stop or to do what I've asked of him. So if I stay on top of things, I can nip my anger in the bud. But it doesn't always work out.
The other night, Tru screamed at me for about 45 minutes. He didn't want to pull his own underwear up and insisted that I do it for him. Probably one of the silliest things to fight over but I wasn't about to let my three-year old boss me around or dictate to me. And by the time the 45 minutes was coming to a close, I was at the end of my rope. I had already used all of the discipline tools in my tool box and nothing was working. He would calm down and then, when he realized that he was still going to have to pull up his own pants, he would freak out again. Suffice it to say, that by the time it was all over, he was in his room and I was sitting downstairs taking deep breaths and telling myself to go upstairs and apologize.  I went to his room and looked down at him laying in his bed. He looked up at me and said, "I sorry Mommy for disobeying to you and being so naughty." (That's not a typo, he really speaks that way right now which I love.) And then I apologized to him for getting so angry and yelling at him. We hugged and kissed and said "I love you" to each other.
I have a feeling that Truett and I have quite a few mutual apologies to look forward to in the future. Suprisingly, I feel okay with that. I would love it if we never had any disagreements but that's not possible. And there is beauty in letting your child see that you can be wrong. And every time we apologize to each other, I am teaching him what it looks like to respect other people and himself. He doesn't understand any of that right now but someday he will. I hope.

photo by: Fatma Alemadi  http://www.flickr.com/photos/icandream/287130422/