jiminy vs the dragon

I really don't like apologizing. I can't imagine that anyone does. Having to apologize means that you did something wrong, and I don't like other people to know that I mess up. The words are simple. "Please forgive me for..." It's the feelings and thoughts behind them that are so complicated and yucky. There can be a lot of justification, blame-shifting and shame. It's not easy to admit that you are wrong or that you've hurt someone.
This morning, I waged an internal battle with myself. I knew that my tone of voice and my exasperation with Jem warranted an apology. I fought it all the way to preschool.  
 Conscience: You should really say sorry to Jem. You weren't very nice to him.






Angry Monster Mom: Be quiet conscience or do you want some of this too?

                                               ~Silence~

Conscience: You should really say sorry to Jem. You weren't very nice to him.






Angry Monster Mom: Ugh. Seriously? The only reason I was gruff with him was because he wasn't listening and he was messing around. I mean, how hard is it to put your shoes on? Just sit down and put them on? And what was with the bike riding in the garage when he was supposed to be getting into his seat in the car? And really? All of a sudden he can't buckle himself in?! It's called trying!
                                              
                                              ~Silence~

Angry Monster Mom: But he won't say sorry for the things he did unless I tell him to. Why should I apologize when he won't?


Conscience: How else will he learn to accept responsibility for his own actions without blaming others unless he sees it in action?



Angry Monster Mom: Stupid, dumb logical conscience.







I so didn't want to apologize. Not because I didn't think that I was wrong but because it really stuck in my craw to know that he wasn't going to take any responsibility for what had happened that morning. And yes, I know he is five. But still. It isn't easy to take the blame for something and know that the other party involved also carries some of it but won't or can't acknowledge it. However, I do want to teach my boys to accept responsibility for their actions so I swallowed my pride and climbed into the back of the car and asked Jem to forgive me for losing my patience with him. He accepted my apology and, just as I knew he would, offered none of his own. There will be other times when this will happen again and I will prompt him to think of what he might have done wrong in the situation. This time though, I let it go. This morning's lesson was for me.

photos by: L-T-L  http://www.flickr.com/photos/rwjensen/2296819717/ and gd427driver http://www.flickr.com/photos/gd427driver/3156345314/