moving forward

I have things I want to write about, like the lady at the grocery store or the incident with the hose but I can't seem to focus on those things. Probably because right now I'm too busy thinking about the way that I react to my kids. How there are those moments when it all catches up to me and I'm pretty sure that I'm going to lose it. So I have to leave the room to still my shaking hands and swallow down the words that want to fly out of my mouth. And I sit down and cry, not sure if it is the frustration with my kids or the disappointment in myself that brings the tears but not really caring either way. And it can take me a while to pull myself out of this place. Because this thing I'm doing, this being a mom thing, is so big and so scary and so hard. And the fear that I'm doing it wrong, that I just scarred my child because I yelled at him or that I sometimes count the hours in the day and wish the clock would go faster, is overwhelming. It lurks under the surface whispering to me that I'm failing, that my kids don't love me, that this stage of life will never end. And sadly, that is where I find myself right now.
But I will not stay in this place. I will not label myself a failure. I  will let myself have a good cry and I will give myself grace so that I can be ready to love on my kids when they wake up from their naps. This day isn't over yet and I can choose to allow a few tough moments to make the rest of it a waste or I can choose to let it go and move forward.