sorry

Lately I've been noticing a disturbing pattern in my day. More and more often I find myself needing to apologize to Truett. Because more and more often I am reacting to him out of frustration or anger. So I have to go back and tell him that I'm sorry for the way I acted or the way that I spoke to him. He always tells me it's okay and then apologizes for his part in the altercation.
It's no secret that I struggle with this child. I love him fiercely and yet I struggle. He is strong-willed and the non-stop battles are exhausting the thought of one more outburst of moment of defiance becomes overwhelming. So I start to power-up, to try and shift his behavior through aggression and dominance rather than with firmness and love. I'm teaching him that the stronger, bigger, louder person wins instead of teaching him that respect is a mutual thing.
I hate being this person. I hate that I allow a three-year old to push my button and that I stoop to his level. But I do, which means apologizing. We will continue to battle and I will continue to make mistakes with him but the day that I stop apologizing is the day when I've lost the war. That apology is humbling but it is a reminder to me that I, too, am a work in progress.

photo by KidEvil  http://www.flickr.com/photos/kidevil8988/3837187913/