speaking truth

Saturday night I was standing in front of our fire place when Jem walked into the room and asked, “Mommy, are you going to have another baby?” I told him that I wasn’t and asked him why he was asking. Stupid question on my part. And he so innocently responded, “Your tummy looks like it is getting bigger again.”

Now, I can tell myself that I just had an eleven pound baby less than 4 months ago. I can tell myself that I gained almost 60 pounds with the pregnancy and that I’ve already lost 50 of them. I can tell myself that I had a c-section and the muscles and nerves are still healing. And it’s all true.

But it is also true that I live in a culture that tells me that the way I look impacts my value. That I need to look a certain way in order to be worth something. And I buy into it. That is the worst truth of all. That I feel shame over this body that has carried three babies, brought them into the world, nursed them and cared for them.

Recently, my mom sent me a link to a blog. She thought that I might be able to relate to it and she was right. I read it and I cried. Then I reread it and I cried again. It captured where I am and where I want to be. And it reminded me that my daughter will watch me. She will listen to the way I speak about myself. She will notice if I'm frustrated about the way that I look in certain clothes. There will be many influences in her life, many voices telling her that if she could just tweak this or work on that then she would be so much more. I don't want to be one of those voices. And that means changing the way I speak and think about myself. It will be difficult but I can't imagine a better form of motivation than my daughter.

http://www.emergingmummy.com/2011/06/in-which-i-promise-not-to-call-myself.html