the core

Sam was away on a business trip the last few days. It is always hard when he is gone. I can't look forward to any help in the evenings, I don't sleep well, and I have a tendency to get a little short-tempered. (I know you're shocked) And this particular trip happened to fall over the same period of time that most of the other people I look to for help were busy. It wasn't the easiest but we all survived.
Yesterday, my mom came over to my house to give me a break. I had a few hours to go out and relax and also grab some groceries. The sun had started to set by the time I got back to my house and as I walked up onto the back porch with my grocery bags, I could see my family sitting in the family room. The boys were watching TV and Caia was crawling around on the floor. And there was this moment of feeling so immensely grateful at this life that I've been given. I will admit that those moments don't come often. I am more often thinking about how soon I can put the kids to bed or hoping that they take a long nap or being thankful that they are content without me for a few moments. But last night, as I looked in on them, I was struck with how much I love them and how much I love being their person. It is a feeling that is always there but can be covered up by the day-to-day frustrations and tasks. So I stopped on the porch and watched my family and allowed the feeling to wash over me. It was a fleeting feeling and I didn't wake up this morning with the same sense of gratitude. I did however, wake up this morning with the memory of that feeling, knowing that no matter where the day took us, there was still gratitude and love at the core of this life we are trying to muddle through together and that is enough.