a gift

Yesterday was not a great day and I was already despairing over what our summer is going to look like. Today, I was determined to get the boys to a park even though it had rained buckets last night and I was sure the playground would be muddy. But for the sake of our sanity, I thought it best to brave the mud.
So we set off and drove to the nearest playground. When we got there, we were dismayed to see, yet again, some sort of birthday party/get-together. Just my luck. But then, I saw a woman walking towards me and recognized one of the moms from Tru and Jem's  preschool. Her oldest son is in Jem's class and Jem talks about him all of the time. Her youngest son is in Truett's class and apparently, he talks about Tru all of the time. And her daughter was born one day after Caia. So you could say that we are right in step with one another. She came over and pointed out that her boys were crouched behind the bench that we were sitting on, hiding from Jem and Tru. The boys ran off to play together and she and I talked. She had a blanket that we laid out in the shade and sat the girls on. And as we talked, we both admitted that yesterday was a rough day and that we are both a little nervous about the summer. It was nice to hear that someone else has the same thoughts. It was also nice to hear that there are other moms out there who are just trying to get through the day and not building puppet theaters and sewing princess costumes every day.
As she left, she said that we should get in touch and do the park again since we both want to keep our kids busy.
All I can say is, "Thank you God." The day after I'm freaking out because I don't know what to do with my kids, I run into a mom who has boys the same age as mine. They already know each other and enjoy spending time together. And she wants to meet up again. I know a gift when I see one and that is a gift.

photo by: wedding musings  http://www.flickr.com/photos/27812617@N07/2625760660/

day 1

Today was the first day of our summer. It was the first day that neither boy had preschool, we had no scheduled play dates, and we had nothing to do other than be at our house. It didn't go well.
I swear my kids don't play with their toys anymore. If they are in the house, they are either chasing each other around or getting into trouble: pulling utensils out of the kitchen drawers, cutting up paper, pulling all of the toys out of their toy bins and putting them into laundry baskets. If they are outside, they are either looking for bugs or whacking each other with sticks. And I can't get two seconds to myself to make a phone call, clean up from breakfast, or even use the potty.
By the time 10 am rolled around, there had already been an incident with the water hose and one with a gas can. There were several time-outs, one spanking, and a few moments of me needing to leave the room.  Crying was had by all and fun by none.
I've heard other moms talk about how excited they are for summer. Their kids are older and they are just glad to have them home from school. Will I feel that way when my kids are all old enough to be in school? Is this just part of the stage I'm in? I only know that my friends who have kids the same age as mine are signing up for every VBS they possibly can. The thought of two days in a row without anything planned is horrifying.
Why did God design it this way? This is the time in their lives that my kids want to be with me the most. They want to play with me and read books and have me watch every single thing they do. Every other moment is filled with, "Watch this Mom" or "Look what I found Mom." And this is also the time when there is so much to do because they can't do most of it themselves. I feel like I can never catch up with anything. And then, when they are older and are finally more self-sufficient, and I have a bunch of free time, they won't want to spend time with me. And all the moms with older kids are saying, "More free time? Oh, this poor gal doesn't have a clue about what she's in for."

photo by: i_am_amy  http://www.flickr.com/photos/i_am_amy/2442384590/

narcissist

Truett has been acting a little strange at mealtimes lately. I've started noticing that sometimes, when he speaks, he turns his head to the side and looks left.  He doesn't do it every single time but often enough that it is noticeable.
It took me a while to notice it and then a little longer to figure out what was going on. Tru sits in the same seat for every meal and it happens to be next to our china cupboard. Our china cupboard has glass doors and a mirrored back. My little narcissist is watching himself in the mirror. He watches himself when he laughs, when he screams in frustration and even when he is simply waiting for me to bring him an apple. He will say something to us at dinnertime and then turn and look at himself in the mirror while Sam and I sit and chuckle to ourselves.
I understand that he is young and at an age where seeing himself is a novelty. But I'm worried that we are going to have to move his seat before he starts spending all of his time sitting in his seat, gazing upon his adorableness.

photo by: The Alternative to Real World  http://www.flickr.com/photos/thealternativetorealworld/5029955613/

being tested

It seems like anytime you make up your mind to do something that is outside of your normal mode of operating, you end up being tested. Is your conviction strong enough? Do you have enough faith to see you through? Can you push past setbacks and not let failure stop you in your tracks? Or will you fall back into old patterns?
Last week, after a particularly awful night where Sam and I traded off on being the unhinged parent, I made a decision to tamp down on my anger. I decided that I wanted to be calm and collected and matter-of-fact with my kids. If they chose to disobey, then there would be a consequence. There wouldn't be warnings or discussions and there wouldn't be time to get ramped up and angry.
And, almost as if they knew, my kids threw everything they had at me last week. Screaming, hitting, name-calling. And the cherry on top of the bad behavior sundae was finding them in the bathroom on Saturday morning. The sink was stopped up with water, they had emptied out four different tubes of toothpaste, and the roll of toilet paper was nowhere to be found. It was 7am. I was tired and I wanted nothing more than to let loose and rage around. But, by the grace of God, I was able to remain calm.
It is nice to know that I can discipline my kids without getting angry. Because when I get angry, I tend to hold on to it for a good part of the day. I allow it to affect how I treat my kids for hours after the offense. But when I'm calm, I can discipline them and then move on. I don't hold on to the behavior and I'm able to meet the next bad behavior from a place of normalcy. Because the next undesired behavior is never far behind the first one. It's a fact of life.

photo by Dandy Dons Ice Cream  http://www.flickr.com/photos/dandydons/3547146127/

tricky, tricky

Alright. I admit it. I was taken in by advertising. I kept seeing the commercials of the happy women in their red bathing suits eating their Special K and thought, "I want to be happy and wearing a cute red bathing suit. I guess I should eat Special K." Plus, they promised me that I could lose six pounds and one to two inches off of my waistline in just two weeks. Six pounds? One to two inches? Sold!
This is how I now find myself on the Special K diet. I'm allowed to have a cup of cereal for breakfast and a protein bar or protein shake for lunch. I can also add in two snacks and some fruits and veggies. Dinner can be something sensible, like a boiled chicken breast and broccoli. This is my very first foray into the dieting world, (don't hate me!) and I'm not a fan. Of course I'm going to lose some weight. I am eating cardboard for breakfast and candy bars and chocolate milk for lunch! Oh sure, they label them as meal bars and protein shakes, but please. I may have been taken in by their slick advertisements but my body knows when it is eating junk.
I want to lose those six pounds. I want my waistline to come back. But I'm not sure if it is worth this. Wouldn't I be better off to just have a salad for lunch? Or maybe two slices of turkey wrapped around some cheese. Isn't that better for my body than chocolate pastry crisps and honey almond meal bars drizzled with icing?
Unfortunately, I just started my diet on Tuesday and I bought enough stuff to see me through at least one week. So I am going to finish out my first week because otherwise I would have wasted a bunch of money. But then I think I might just start eating stuff that is healthy and doesn't come in a plastic wrapper. And maybe I'll just forget about my old waistline and make friends with my new one. I have a feeling it might be hanging around for a while.

swearing off anger - part 2

I'm trying to switch tactics from being angry to being matter-of-fact about things. Instead of allowing myself to become overly frustrated, I want to simply handle the moments of defiance and disobedience with a calm, no nonsense demeanor. My boys will still know that I mean business because they will find themselves in time-out or losing tv privileges or missing out on dessert. But there will be no room for them to push me into freak out mode because bad behavior will be dealt with immediately. There will be no warning, no "if you do that again..." There will be behavior and consequence.
Sounds pretty nice in theory, right? The problem is that, as I sit here writing this, I know that I am completely incapable of following through on it. I tell myself that if I only had one kid I could manage it. But I'm not sure that is even true. What is true is that I am a controlling, self-centered person who is now dealing with creatures who are even more self-centered than I am and who, for some reason, dislike being controlled. It seems like a no-win situation.
But I believe that God made my kids and me. And I also believe that He is bigger than temper tantrums and crying jags. My kids are ultimately in His hands so I have to trust that He will give me what I need to take care of them while they are on loan to me. And right now I am trusting that He can give me determination and the ability to stay calm. Something tells me that I will have to ask Him for help with this often. Very often.

photo by Passive Income Dream.com http://www.flickr.com/photos/incomedream/5551082598/

swearing off anger - part 1

I have never thought of myself as an angry person. I get frustrated and I can get snippy but it usually takes a lot to push me into angry. At least, it used to take a lot. Now all it takes is hearing the word "no" too many times in the same day. Or seeing one of my kids smile while they are being disciplined. The frustration builds and simmers and boils over into anger.
There are two problems with this. The first is that I don't like who I am when I'm angry. I don't like the tone that I use or the way I feel. The second is that it doesn't seem to accomplish anything. It just teaches my boys that they don't have to listen to me until I start yelling. It teaches them to flinch away from Mommy because you might get your hand smacked. It teaches them that yelling is an acceptable way to deal with problems.
When I get angry, the problems don't go away. They just escalate. My kids start yelling or become even more defiant and I get angrier and it becomes a cycle that ends with at least one person in tears.
The other night when Tru decided to empty out his diaper, there was a lot of anger going around. And as Sam and I sat on the couch afterwards and talked about how defeated we feel, I told him that I think we are messing up. That we might actually be making things worse. We have become the kind of parents who get angry and use threats. They don't go to sleep so we go stomping upstairs and tell them to lay down and be quiet or else. It doesn't work and it's exhausting.
So I'm switching tactics.

photo by: DaveJC90  http://www.flickr.com/photos/33607628@N02/5323254577/