dying by comparison

I compare myself to other people a lot. It's almost an unconscious thing. Sometimes I come out on top and sometimes I come out on the very, very bottom. It could be comparing my appearance, my skills as a mom, my cooking, the way I run my house, the car I drive, the books I enjoy. You name it and I've probably used it as a way to place myself into a pecking order.
I compare myself to the other moms at preschool. You know, the ones who look like they are going to work at Glamour Magazine after they drop their kids off. And I'm there in my yoga pants and one of Sam's sweatshirts, congratulating myself for running a comb through my hair before I headed out the door. I come out on the bottom end of that comparison.
I compare myself to my ideal of what a good mom looks like. That betty-crocker-baking, flour-on-her-nose, smiling-as-she-folds-laundry, scrubbing-the-floor-with-a-sponge, craft-making, song-singing, game-playing, book-reading monstrosity that I just can't seem to live up to. Oh, and on top of all of that, she never loses her temper, she's always pleasant to be around, and she's never tired. Guess where I end up on that comparison?
I compare myself to friends, strangers, family members and fictional characters. If you've met me, at some point I have compared myself to you in some way. Don't worry. I pretty much always pick out great traits in other people to compare to the things I struggle with in myself. It is exhausting.
And I know I'm not alone in this. I know of many other women who do the same thing. We take away from our own value because it doesn't look a certain way. I hear another woman complimented on her beauty and automatically think that mine must not match up. My friend is complimented on her baking skills and I just know that I must not be up to par. Comparing myself with others doesn't allow me to rejoice in their gifts and abilities. I'm not able to thank God for their ability to make amazing artwork or their gift with hospitality because I'm too busy seeing the lack in myself.
I want to be better than this. I want to come to a place where I can celebrate other people for who they are and know that it doesn't detract from who I am. And I want to figure it out sooner rather than later so that I can help my kids to avoid that feeling of dying by comparison.

photo from: photobucket.com

things...

Things that I just can't seem to get the hang of:

1. Using a leaf blower ~ Sam bought a leaf blower a few weeks ago since our new backyard has a lot of trees. He showed me how to turn it on and I watched him blow the leaves into a big pile. Looked easy enough. So the other day I figured I would help him out and blow a few leaves. I turned it on, which was hurdle number one. And then I proceeded to blow some leaves. The problem is that all I managed to do was blow the leaves around the yard. Apparently, getting them into a pile isn't a given. After watching leaves swirl around me and fly to all corners of our yard, I finally put the blower down and just pulled out the rake.

2. Folding bottom sheets ~ How in the world do you fold a fitted sheet so that it doesn't look like a four year old did it? I've seen nicely folded bottom sheets and I just don't understand how those women do it. Maybe the elastic corners aren't as tight as mine. Maybe they have super long arms that just allow them to hold the sheet taut and fold it at the same time. Or maybe it's just another skill set that I seem to lack.

3. Making friends with the other preschool moms ~ I'm not sure how friendships are born out of those two minutes that we all stand out in the hallway waiting for the doors to open. How do you get to know enough about a person in that short time to know that you want to see them outside of preschool? It sort of seems like speed dating. And most of the conversations that I hear or participate in have to do with the weather or asking how old the baby is that they are holding or speculating about when the door will finally open. Not really the sort of conversations that lead to more.

4. Cooking the right amount of pasta for my family ~ I always make too much for one meal but not enough for leftovers. Seems pretty simple but I mess it up every time.

photos by: alexabboud http://www.flickr.com/photos/alexabboud/5948634869/
                  andrew coulter enright  http://www.flickr.com/photos/andrewcoulterenright/11872109/
               baptistseminary.edu
                  foodiesathome  http://www.flickr.com/photos/thewrittengeek/4704626393/

my helpful menfolk

A few weeks ago Sam asked me if I could make a list for him of small jobs that need to be done around the house on a consistent basis. That way, when he has some down time he can clean something. Let me say that Sam always helps me whenever I ask him to. He doesn't complain when I ask if he can pick up the family room or put dinner away. But...he usually doesn't ask me to make him a list of every day chores that he can do. Okay, I'm pretty sure he has never asked me to do that. So you can imagine my surprise.
Then, yesterday Jem came downstairs from his nap and said, "Mommy, I could pick up the family room for you. Actually, maybe I should go up and clean my room first." And then he went upstairs and cleaned his room. Let me repeat that. He cleaned his room. By himself. Without me asking him. Without me standing over his shoulder telling him what goes where. That has definitely never, ever happened before.
I was slightly confused and suprised by all of this but I also started to feel like life was taking a giant turn for the better. But then Truett threatened to punch me in the face if I didn't give him a snack and I came back to my senses.

Photo by: Dave77459  http://www.flickr.com/photos/dave77459/2851799930/

the price of popularity

So guess who called me at my home last night? You'll never believe it, not in a million years. Mitt Romney! That's right. He called my house to talk to me. Unfortunately, his number came up as private on my caller id so I let him go right to voice mail. But he greeted us by name, "hello Miller family" and then said some stuff. I'm not sure what because his voice made me sleepy.
And then, about an hour later, Joe Biden called! Again, I let it go straight to voice mail because the number was weird. Joe didn't know our name but he did call us "valued citizens" and then said a bunch of other stuff, which I again didn't listen to because he sounded kind of pushy.
Some other people called too. I'm sure they had really great things to say but by that point I was starting to get a little frustrated. All I wanted to do was sit on the couch and watch a movie with my family, but instead I had to keep getting up to check the phone. Being popular is so hard! Eventually, I just pulled the battery out of the phone and gave it to Caia.
I'm sure I'll regret it tomorrow when I find myself standing in front of that voting machine. How will I know who to vote for since I didn't listen to the deluge of phone calls telling me what to do? Why did I let Mitt's voice lull me into a peaceful semi-coma? What if he said something earth shattering? And what about Biden? What if his pushiness just masked a deep personal concern for me and my family? Curses!

photo from: politico.com

daylight savings

Last night we turned the clocks back an hour, meaning an extra hour of sleep. The problem is that no one told my kids. They follow their internal clock and wake up around the same time every day, give or take fifteen minutes. So when their internal clocks said that they had slept enough, they wandered into our room. And, thanks to daylight savings, it was 5:45 am. Brutal.
Those are the kinds of things you just don't think about before you have kids. I never once stopped to think about how adding or subtracting an hour from the day would affect them. It was the worst when they were infants. I would finally have them on a great schedule and daylight savings would come along. You can't tell a screaming baby that her 8am feeding has now been pushed to 9am. She doesn't care and will simply continue to scream. So you have to fudge it and feed her an hour early and then try to push her a little longer than usual between feedings to make up for it. Or maybe that was just me. I had a tendency to be a little obsessive when it came to the schedule.
The boys did okay with it this time, apart from the early rising. They will most likely be tired and a little grumpy for the next few days as they adjust but that isn't really unusual. The problem is that I'm tired and grumpy now thanks to the early wake-up. And it doesn't help to listen to other people talking about how nice it was to have that extra hour of sleep last night. Thanks a lot daylight savings.

photo from: someecards.com

another confession

As we trick-or-treated last night, I was constantly reminding the boys to say "thank you" after they received candy. Sometimes they would do it without prompting but they would often forget. It was a good reminder that gratitude is not something that we are born with. It is a trait that needs to be cultivated. I can say with certainty that my kids' natural instinct is expectation, not gratitude. Just think of how a child responds at Christmas time or a birthday when the last gift has been opened. It isn't with, "Thank you so much for everything." Instead, they usually ask what else there is for them and are quite disappointed to learn that there isn't any more.
I want to cultivate gratitude in my kids. Unfortunately, I realize that it is something I struggle with myself. I've learned to say thank you and to not voice my expectations, but that doesn't mean that I don't have times of wanting to say, "What else is there? Isn't there anything more?" And it extends beyond material things. I look at my life and I say to God, "Is this it? I mean this is great and all but I was kind of hoping for..." Again, gratitude is not a natural state. It's something that has to be worked at.
It is humbling to know that I still struggle with some of the same things that my five and three year old struggle with. But, at the same time, I know that my story isn't done yet and that I can still continue to grow and change. And I'm thankful that God allows me to see myself in my kids, that He makes me aware of my shortcomings because it means that He loves me enough to want better for me.
So, to give me some practice, today I'm thankful for the following five things:
1. Dinner with my mom
2. Playing dominos with Jem
3. Halloween candy (chocolate)
4. The way my little girl smiles at me
5. Getting a sticker from Jem for being a "nice" mommy

photo by: chrisinplymouth  http://www.flickr.com/photos/chrisinplymouth/3556625492/

costumes make me crazy

I tend to be a last minute costume person when it comes to Halloween. This year, I headed out at the beginning of October determined to find something decent for the boys to wear. And then I saw the price. Thirty dollars for a preschooler's costume! There were even a couple for $40. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't spend that much money for something that they will only wear one time.
I went home discouraged and started looking online for costumes that I could make for the kids. So many great ideas out there! And so out of my comfort zone. Spray paint? A hot glue gun? Measuring and cutting? I just couldn't work up the energy to do it.
And so I found myself running to Target today to look for costumes, hoping that they would be on sale since it is Halloween day. No such luck. The costumes were still outrageously priced, at least by my standards. Plus, a lot of them seemed really inappropriate for preschoolers. Like this one:

 

 

Seriously!?! Who thinks it's a good idea to dress a three year old up as a demonic devil? What happened to being a fireman or a cowboy? It is so hard to find generic costumes. It's either really scary stuff or characters from tv shows.
Luckily, we were given one hand-me-down costume that fit Jem and I found a generic super hero costume for $10. It just had a vest, cape and mask but Truett was happy with it once he realized that I really wasn't going to buy him a sword and stopped screaming at me.
I think that I'm going to change tactics for next year. I'll head out this weekend and pick up some costumes once they are on sale. Or I'll find a crafty friend and pay her to make some for me. Or I'll just pray that they don't grow at all and still fit into their costumes from this year. Given my pattern, it will probably end up being option three but if I was being smart I would go with option one.